Guys. I’m pissed off.
I’m so tired of spirituality, I feel like I’m done with it and it can fuck off.
I’m just tired of the pretending.
I’m tired of the shoulds. I’m tired of trying to fit the spiritual stereotype to fit in, and feeling like I can’t be spiritual because I love money and cowboy boots and being loud think everything is bullshit until proven otherwise. I’m tired of feeling like I have to be something other than me, that there is a blueprint to a spiritual person that I don’t fit.
Cos spiritual people are good people, right? They don’t get angry, or upset people, and are all about light and love and walk in a blissful world of connection with the divine.
I feel like I am angry a lot and seem to be utterly unable to avoid upsetting people if I want to stay true to myself, which as far as I am concerned is spiritually the most. important. thing. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’ve been walking in a crappy world where the Gods shit on you for much of this year, so lets bust that “blissful connection” nonsense.
I’m tired of meeting “spiritual” people and feeling like they are also pretending so hard to fit in.
I’m tired of feeling like I have to be more or better or different or gooder (totally a word) to be a spiritual person. Like being a spiritual person is another way of punishing myself for not being good enough, because I am NEVER going to fit the spiritual peaceful new age hippy stereotype. For starts, I say fuck way too much and am much too suspicious.
I feel like who I am, messy, overwhelmed, artistic, emotional, stauchly rebellious and with no real idea what I am doing (shhh don’t tell anyone!) is the Anti-Spirituality. I am Saruman to spirituality’s righteous Gandalf, getting all confused and fucking things up.
That I as I am am not enough.
I have to be purified, or juiced up with crystals, or repress all the dark messed up stuff that I am to be spiritually acceptable.
And I am part Scorpio, I am all about shadow and darkness, I just can’t pretend that I am not. I feel like I don’t know much about spirituality right now, but I do know that truth and integrity is king.
I’m tired of having to police myself and my actions so that I can fit into some spiritual person, and being dissapointed when I inevitably fail.
I’m tired of feeling like the holy grail of spirituality is to be so nice and wonderful that you never upset anyone.
So, I’m done with this.
It can fuck off.
I am not going to pretend any more, go through the motions, or do things based on what I think I should be doing as a spiritual person.
And I am not going to feel bad about myself from a spiritual perspective for being angry or for having a real love/hate relationship with meditating or having the focus of a bumblebee on acid or for not reading all the right books or for addictively avoiding spiritual practice or for fucking up a lot.
It doesn’t work, and it’s just stupid.
If I am not enough as I am, I am no longer interested.
I choose to start from the ground up and honour myself exactly as I am.
I’m only going to do spiritual stuff and things that feel good to me, and avoid everything that makes me feel “less than” or like a should.
That might mean religiously having bubble baths every Thursday night while watching Nashville as my new Spiritual Practice and sodding doing my guided meditations.
That might mean letting go of any and all traditions I’ve been affilliated with for a while so I can get rid of the stain of guilt.
That might mean swearing more. (Gosh!)
Bring it on 2016.