I know you take the process of goal setting seriously… but do you make goalGETTING super serious too?

Here’s the thing: a shiny new solar year comes around, and we dust off our bucket list of all the things we wish we could be, do and have.

We get SERIOUS, pick a goal, figure out how to get there…

… and then we make a huge mistake.

WE STAY SERIOUS.

We fill our goals with hard work, things we should do, and deep frowny thoughts.

We expect that achieving our goal will take hard work, because we mean it this time…

…so we go in expecting hard work and, surprise surprise, we don’t want to do it.

No wonder almost all our new years resolutions flop.

If we are smart, we do our best to choose the most lovely easy way to get stuff done – but even then, a lot of stuff on the pathway to our goal we just won’t want to do.

Take me for example. I don’t want to do my morning meditation: I’d rather stay warm in bed. I don’t want to do my dance practice either – I’d rather sit down – and I DEFINITELY don’t want to do my taxes.

But a forever true truth is that everything you want is on the other side of something you don’t want to do.

So we just need to get good at doing things we don’t want to do.

You know what makes this a lot easier?

FUN.

We are chronically undernourished in the fun, novelty and whimsy department.

It’s probably because at some point we figured we should act like adults and we bought into an outdated idea of what that meant:

Adults are serious, they work hard, they have no time for funbecause they need to be busy all the time to prove they are good enough – and anyway, fun is for kids who don’t have to pay bills. We have obligations. Adult life is filled with oppressive demands, dammit. The ghost of the puritans haunts this kind of adult, whispering that idle hands are evil so you better look busy for Jesus. True adults spurn frivolity and whimsy, choosing instead to sit in leather backed chairs in smoky rooms feeling how important they are.

Which is ridiculous because the opposite is also true:

Adults are actually the ones with the money and power and agency to do whatever they want… and now that they are grown-up, there is no-one telling them they can’t only wear pink clothes or fill their house with balloons or eat ice cream for dinner. They are the ones who get to make all the choices now – they are free to craft their life exactly how they want it. They can use their money how they like, they can use their time how they like, and there is no-one to tell them no.

We forget that adulthood is also freedom. 

That we are the ones in the driver’s seat.

It’s all too easy to fall into the victimhood of the Serious Adult and be prey to that paradigm of how things should be – heavy, grey, and too important to mess around with.

Have you bought into the story of being an adult as being crushed by responsibility, obligation and nailed the grindstone…

… or the story of choice, freedom and unlimited opportunities for joy?

It’s literally just a perception of what is – you get to pick your truth. 

And interestingly… 

… when you read the story of the second adult, do you contract in fear a little bit? Does it make you think things like “Well, eating ice cream for dinner is not good for you!” or “That kind of freedom is dangerous without limits – who is to stop me from quitting my job and watching dating shows on loop otherwise?” or “Pfffff, maybe for YOU but it could never be that way for me”…

… or does it even make you feel anxious, because choice freaks you out and you are not even sure what would bring you joy or where to find it in the bleak realm of adulthood?

I hear you.

But there is a reason why you feel like this.

A really big, fixable reason.

Do you know why the idea of adulthood being about choosing fun on your own terms gives you the willies?

Because you are fun starved.

It’s likely that you have a very dysfunctional relationship with having a good time and don’t really understand how important it is: it’s been relegated to something that you do after your to do list, after you have the “important” things done – it’s a reward for when you are worthy of it.

Fun is what you get to have after you have done a good enough job.

Let’s think about this in terms of in terms of food.

If on a diet you are not allowed chocolate cake… you are gonna wanna binge on chocolate cake.

A starving dog given a buffet of delicious food will go nuts and eat till it’s sick.

(To be honest, it doesn’t need to be a starving dog; it just needs to be a labrador #labradorburn)

If in your mind food is the symbol of how weak you are, you are going to have a messed up relationship with eating… something you literally need to do to stay alive.

When you live a life where fun is tightly restricted in favour of other more “adult” activities, you treat fun with the desperation of scarcity and turn into a feral doggo afraid someone else is going to take your food away from you because there isn’t enough to sustain you.

Fun becomes something dangerous because you can’t trust yourself with it.

Here is what we always forget though:

Fun is the fuel that helps you achieve your goals.

When we have fun and spend time on things that make us delighted, it’s like we are filling up our energy tank. It’s putting us into a resourced mode – it’s soothing our emotions and wellbeing so we stop being stressed out goblins and become human again.

We need fun BEFORE AND AFTER we tackle our to-do lists. (Preferably during too.)

We need fun as prep for doing the all-important things it takes to fulfill our dreams so we feel nourished, happy, excited and optimistic about how great life is and feel super positive about our goals… so we actually do them.

(Have you ever been really run down and overworked and stressed and then tried to get yourself to do something you don’t want to do in the moment, but do want to do long term? This is why it’s SO hard to go to the gym after an exhausting day at work, or get round to actually starting that novel after a relentless week of laundry and looking after poorly kids.)

We also need fun as a non negotiable result of completing our hard work… because if all we get from completing hard work is MORE hard work, we aren’t gonna want to do it. Who is going to sign up for that? Hell no – not me. I will just procrastinate and feel terrible.

We need it as the fuel to start our work and goal getting so we feel full and inspired… and like we are not sacrificing ourselves for our dreams.

We need to show ourselves we are loved and worthy of living a good life by LIVING a good life.

Fun is the true meaning of self care.

In fact when people waffle on about self care, this is what they ACTUALLY mean: having fun, creating moments of lightness and delight and wonder, being curious, being creative, trying new things, giggling, talking to other people, play and whimsy – all that stuff.

It’s just the culture has such a weird dysfunctional relationship with pleasure it can’t call it what it is.

So if you have ever been stuck on how to do self care…

… scrap self care. Have fun instead.

And fun isn’t just parties and talking to extroverted people in clubs either.

There are all kinds of fun.

There’s the more childlike wonder of fun: watching hummingbirds, bouncy castles, drawing art on banana skins, wearing princess dresses, making paper chains, that kinda thing.

There’s the what-adults-think-fun-is fun – going out, clubbing, parties, drinking, doing something outgoing like rock climbing or kayaking or something sensible like jogging or cross fit…

… then there is the whole world of low key cozy introvert fun. Reorganising your bookshelf by colour. Trying a new cookie recipe. Knitting while listening to a podcast. Dancing to 80’s tunes while you get dressed int the mornings. Drinking your juice out of your fanciest champagne glass. Using the purple pen instead of your boring black biro.

Fun is also novelty – it’s trying new things, new foods, new music, new places…. all sorts of newness brings magic to life.

You get to choose what is fun for you: whatever makes YOU feel satisfied, delighted, excited, thrilled, and gleeful.

It’s different for everyone.

So the teaching is:

Fun is your source, your well and your fuel for achieving your dreams this year.

We are all pretty fun starved, so we need to start feeding ourselves properly.

If you try to ration out joy in favour of getting your goals met, it’s never going to work – you will just be miserable and unable to achieve your dreams…

… and when you do get time to enjoy yourself, you are going either feel too guilty to have fun or fall into a bingey gluttenous hole.

So remember:

Pleasure is the WAY.