Since this Witches’ year is all about getting my witch on, I wanted to talk about a reason I used to not get my witch on.
The awesome thing about witchcraft and wicca is that you are never powerless – since it’s the spirituality of personal responsibility, we know there is always something we can do.
You can kinda strangle yourself with it a bit though.
I think like a lot of people, there are a few tangles in my character I’d like to brush out. One thing that always attracted me to witchcraft was the idea of facing and untangling these elements of your personality – banishing spells, spells to promote behaviour you like, and so on. Power to change! Right on!
I used to use Wicca to focus on changing myself, but not from a place of looking-towards-the-wonderful-result, rather a place of brooding-on-how-crappy-am-I-ness. I know when praying I was meant to ask the help of Goddess with stuff, so I did – Goddess, help me be less lazy, Goddess, help me like waking up in the mornings, Goddess, help me finish this paper that has to be in tomorrow. I’d plan spells to change stuff that I wasn’t keen on – mainly my shortcomings. I would just focus purely on stuff about myself I didn’t like and wished was not there, and as a consequence whenever I sat down to get witchy I’d just feel crappy about myself, and I knew that it was all my fault, because there are no excuses and I am a huge believer in personal responsibility, and then feel even crapper. I’d realise that I didn’t enjoy my spirituality and feel pants about that too, and that would go on the list of things that were wrong with me.
I was using spirituality as a way to kick myself, over and over, and remind myself I was not good enough.
No wonder I avoided doing any actual practice – it was such a downer.
I climbed out of it though – I explored a more devotional route with more emphasis on Goddess and less on Me, and through there to witchy practices that focused on beautiful results rather than broody shittiness. and found a way to a practice that makes me feel better about life, the universe, and everything rather than stuck in self-pity mud.
Well written and down to the point. I have done the same, feeling gulity for not doing ceremony, rituals, meditations. Today, I am still not doing a lot, but I hav forgiven myself and take full responsability for my non action choices…
This is something so many Pagans/Wiccans/Witches do – beat themselves up constantly for not doing enough, not doing it right, not doing xyz, the list goes on. Well done for breaking that cycle. Spirituality ought to be something that brings hope and joy.
I like the way you describe it as “a few tangles in my character I’d like to brush out” 🙂
I spent a very long time feeling crappy about how I am, and the weirdest thing put it into perspective for me…. I did an online personality test at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp just to see what the results were…. coz many ppl I knew were having to sit similar tests as part of recruitment processes at the time….. anyhow the results page described me perfectly, and also listed some famous ppl who are the same personality type as me…. and as I finished reading it, something in my head clicked, and I realised that I don’t have personality “flaws” – I have personality “traits” and that they are perfectly normal for the personality type I have – AND it’s not just me who has them…
Now, instead of wishing I was more like other ppl, I accept myself exactly how I am, and I don’t feel bad about it – because this is how I’m meant to be.
I’m not saying that there’s no room for self improvement, but I’m no longer feeling like I’m a square peg trying to fit in a round hole, and I don’t get cross at myself for not naturally being as creative/spontaneous/focused/etc as other ppl anymore.
Spiritually, I’ve adapted my practices to suit what works for me….
For each of the sabats I have a ritual plan and a guided meditation (that I’ve recorded)… The ritual plan includes incense and crystals to use, readings about that particular sabat, etc – but it’s not a step-by-step plan to follow blindly – more like a reminder that helps me get started, and no two rituals have ever turned out the same.
For my daily practices, I speak to the Goddess each morning as I have my morning coffee, and I draw a tarot card each evening just before I go to bed – using the prompt “tell me about my day” and I record the card and what it relates to in my tarot diary. If I manage to fit some reading or a meditation in as well – that’s a bonus, but if I don’t – then that’s ok too.