When I was younger, I desperately wanted to be in a coven.
I can go so far on self-motivation, but after a bit I am back to procrastinating and doing stuff that is easier and less challenging. I need structure or deadlines around things to commit to them properly. Otherwise I just flounder around.
So I looked for a coven. When I couldn’t find any in my area, I thought about the idea of creating my own. In this fantasy, I’d be the coven leader (of course) and we’d meet up on full moons and talk about the goddess a lot, and I’d be an awesome high priestess leading spells and rituals and we’d all wear jeans and t-shirts and be a sisterhood.
Back in reality, I researched it further. I read a couple of books on covens and discovered what I’d suspected – it’s a frick lot of work organising a coven, and I knew I wasn’t experienced enough to lead one anyway.
I moved and I eventually did find a coven in my area, but they practiced a form of wicca that I was not comfortable with – Brittish Traditional fused with drugs. No thanks.
So, I started looking for pagan chums instead – I tried to start a Pagan Society at university, but ended up meeting people I really didn’t get along with. I don’t really enjoy organising stuff, and after a while I stopped bothering. I attended a few pagan events too, but I kept meeting people I didn’t work with – either they were too alternative, or a walking wiccan parody, or gave off a creepy vibe, or had conversations like this:
Pagan1: Oh, I’ve been exploring the Ogham recently.
Pagan2: Really? I know all about the Ogham. Let me tell you about this esoteric experience I had…
(cue both participants straining to show off how much they know and prove they are more learned and mystical than the other).
Sigh.
So after a bit I gave up. Cue a few years break.
But I haven’t really given up.
I recently tried to meet goddess peeps at a Z Budapest workshop, but not only was it a really abysmally disappointing workshop, I felt really out of place – I was easily 20 years younger than almost everyone there, and most people I spoke to seemed to speak in Goddess Code: everything was either an expression of the goddess, or doing the goddess’ work, or a great way of connecting to goddess. I do not speak the code, and it really irritates me when people try to link everything I do to a direct experience of goddess.
I left this experience confused thinking “I’m so out of place. Maybe the Goddess isn’t for me and I should stop messing around with this witch malarky.” Seriously. It’s bit weird when the community of people you have met in real life around your spirituality over the last ten years are people you just don’t get on with. I thought maybe that meant it’s time to give up, that I wasn’t spiritual enough for spirituality.
Just to make sure, I decided to give solitary practice my all for a month and I liked it so much I kept with it.
And now I am working out where to find my own in-person community. I’m not that unique – I am sure there are other people out there just like me, with similar beliefs and practices, and I’ll find them some day. I’m sure it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. Maybe. If not, I’ll be the goddess-painting witch with a solitary obsession with mermaids forever.
I love your honesty Demi! You’re so right, it can be really hard to find your community – especially without just conforming to fit in with everyone else. Well done for continuing to explore, I love your positive attitude ♥
Hey Jo! I keep trying to give up, but I tend to have a selective memory that dulls down bad stuff and dissapointments and I end up doing stuff all over again!
Yeah, the people you meet sometimes… there was a young Pagan group I started meeting up with, and within weeks one of the guys had made himself the leader (a married father of two, in his fifties) and was trying to get everybody to participate in sex magick. Really? Really. Luckily I have also met other Pagans I get along with quite beautifully, although they life far enough away that we meet once a year at best. Oh, and then there are my sister and best friend, whom I hope to work more with once more in the future… we’re all different flavors of witches, but at least we’re reasonable human beings. ^^
I guess every group has it’s weridos… and they are usually the loudest ones, but that chap you spoke about sounds REALLY messed up. Urgh. I’m glad you found some lovely people to practice with!
It can be really hard to find just the right folks to be with. Keep with your solitary practice and keep looking. There are a lot of pagans I have met over the years who I don’t have a close relationship with. One of the cool things about pagans is that there are so many different kinds! You’ll find your place 🙂
Hi Faeriedaughter
I wish you luck and hope you do find your in-person community. I’ve been trying to find mine for the last few years.
I found a local group who have the word “pagans” in their name, who meet up once a fortnight. They were nice people, but every fortnight they would only discuss things like how their work and families were, and not any pagan type stuff. After going to their meetings for 18 months, one night I asked the group what special days did they each celebrate, as I celebrate the 8 sabats. I got told that was “too personal a question to ask” – so I haven’t been back.
I was just hoping to find a group that I could talk to about witchy things, and get some more insight when I receive strange messages (though dreams, meditation, journeying, etc) that I don’t understand, perhaps do some group guided meditations, practice reading tarot with, and have feasts to celebrate the sabats with.
I’ve joined a few online communities too, but they have either turned into dead forums, or are full of ppl arguing over things that really aren’t important to me.
I’m hopeful that some day I’ll find somewhere I fit in. I hope you do too.
Cheers
Kym
Weird huh? I think there is a type of pagan who has pagan beliefs as their background belief system, but doesn’t really do a lot about it (bit like a lot of other faiths – they identify with it, but they don’t really want to do much about it, which is fine). Fair enough for not going back.
A lot of forums have turned pretty dead in the last few years – I don’t get it! It’s true that on my forums I haven’t been posting much, but mainly because a lot of the people in the ones I frequent are pagans of the variety I described above, and are really quick to point out that they don’t do spells or rituals and that psychic-ness is nonsense. :S
I hope we both find somewhere we belong, and if you happen to find an AWESOME online forum, please let me know!!
Wow…. you’re definitely on to something there…. I couldn’t work out why the group I went to never discussed pagan things – at first I thought it was because I was new there and they weren’t comfortable talking about their beliefs in front of me, until they were sure I could be trusted or something. I’d never considered that someone could have paganism as a background belief system. I don’t understand why someone would bother to find their path, if their attitude is – “I know exactly where my path starts. It’s just over there, but I have no intention of following it to see where it goes”?
I’m a witch, I do rituals and spells, I meditate, I work with crystals and tarot, and I read ALOT. I want to learn more, I study and the more I learn the more questions I have, and the more things I want to learn about. Surely there must be other witches out there like me, who just want friends to chat to?
Maybe I need to find some like-minded pagan email penpals, or skype buddies – hmmmnnnn …..hopefully google knows where some are 🙂