I’m gonna come clean.

If there is something I want to do and feel like I should do, after a while I will usually start putting it off. I often put stuff off because I am worried that I won’t do it perfectly or well enough, and when I get behind it becomes this huge looming project that I want to put off even more as it sounds really hard now. It gets to the point that even thinking about it makes me feel guilty and terrible.

That’s what this last month has been like spirituality wise.

With my training for the Priestess of Avalon Course the last month I have been getting super distracted – sitting down at my altar and going “Oh I must just go send that e-mail” or “I should probably be tidying up now” or “Man I really should be trying to earn some money instead of this” and realising at the end of the day that I didn’t get any priestess anything done. I have been putting off projects, afraid that I won’t do them right, thinking I should wait for the exact moon time or that I will plan it properly later as it needs to be perfect, and then I miss the chance and nothing get done!

And then I feel guilty, guilty, guilty. That’s why I haven’t been sharing with you these months.

I’ve just been terrified of not being the perfect little priestess who does everything right. And so guilty and ashamed when it turns out that’s not who I am.

I’ve been committed to taking time to connect in twice a day every day this week, praying and meditating and spending time with Her in nature. This month we are connecting with Bridget in my course, so I’ve been trying to get through to her.

I was asking her advice about a ritual I’m meant to do for her that I was freaking out about (because my plan wasn’t good enough obviously, and I had missed the perfect time), and she whispers this:

You don’t need to be perfect. All I want is for you to show up. Just show up and be authentic with me. I don’t want you to be this perfect witch priestess person you keep thinking you should be. I want you. I want you to just show up as you. 

Just hearing that was incredible! I realised I don’t need to feel guilty all the time about spirituality, because when dealing with God, you don’t have to be anything but who you are.

I was the one creating all these ideas of not being good enough for Her and thinking that I had to feel guilty and inadequate, but that is just not true. God doesn’t think that! She loves me exactly as I am and just wants to hang out.

Spirituality isn’t meant to be about berating yourself or getting angry or disappointed in yourself. It’s meant to be a coming home, a sanctuary, a well from which you can drink deep and feel revitalised and transformed, something that nourishes and centres your life. Something that you do because it feels good (usually) and it helps.

So I let go of all that guilty crap. I offered it up to Bridget, who burnt it in her cleansing fire.

From the ashes she sprinkled over me, spring flowers grew.