I don’t know what’s going on really, but I cannot work up the motivation to do any spiritual stuff, like I think it’s all silly and useless. I know this may be a result of the fact I run away from problems, like my big Guy related problem at the moment, and have trouble expressing feelings and emotions (damn my British blood). I am working on this by trying to keep a daily journal where I talk about every aspect of myself, even the bits I feel a bit shameful about, to show to myself that I am human and I have nothing to be ashamed of and to learn how to deal with feelings. I tell myself that this is an important spiritual exercise, canceling out any guilt due to spiritual inactivity.
Sometimes I wish I was stupid. I’m not, according to The Guy, who does know me better than anyone, who says I am very intelligent but I don’t chose to show it by engaging in pretentious conversations designed to show how intelligent the participants are (Truthfully, I am academically very smart but I reckon I am a bit lacking in other kinds of smarts). More specifically I wish I was a stupid teenager. I wish I could read a wicca book and then follow it slavishly, have loads of fun and righteous feelings about what I am doing and not start thinking about stuff like whether this approach fit with my beliefs, what are my beliefs and how can I corral them into an existing spiritual system etc. How awesome would it be just to follow what someone else had written? I reckon that is a strong point of Christianity. The book tells you what to do – just follow what the book says. I am very jealous of that mindset at the moment. Another annoying thing I am aware of is that spirituality doesn’t just amount to spiritual practice as per say – life and it’s challenges and how you live it are hugely important spiritual processes, and since my Dedication at midsummer I have been learning these kind of things. In dedications and initiations people talk about a spiritual power being conferred. I reckon I got mine in the form of self confidence, self love and empowerment, giving me the enormous strength to get through this first-serious-relationship-breakup event without loss of sanity or hatred.
How do I get out of this spiritual void? By doing something. I was here before, at Christmas time, and I got myself out of it at Imbolg. But how do I sum up the motivation to do something I have no motivation for?
That is the great mystery…