These last few weeks quite honestly I have been trying to figure out what the hell’s going on spiritually for me.
I’ve been a part of the Avalonian Tradition for a few years now, but what with leaving it’s official training recently I feel like I am still processing my feelings about that and trying to figure our how to proceed next on my Avalon journey.
I thought originally that I’d just throw myself into learning and doing as much priestess stuff as possible: research goddesses, history, spend loads of time in prayer and meditation and taking action on what She says and suggest. Like a good little priestess in training.
But every day I’d sit down at my altar to do my daily Avalonian spiritual stuff, I’d get distracted. I’d dread it and put it off for hours in the mornings. I’d get really upset and sad doing my prayers and meditations, or I’d get halfway through my and wander off somewhere and then get really angry and frustrated at myself. Or I’d just feel really inferior and unworthy. What the hell?
Obviously I still have some stuff to deal with and sift through. Leaving the course has really done a number on my spiritually and it’s been really hard and confusing journey to go through.
I also realised I was doing that annoying thing I do where I start using something I love as punishment. I assume that I am not good enough or I don’t deserve something that I like, then I set out to find all the ways that this is true. I create practice or a plan for myself to follow that I don’t enjoy because that’s what I think a “good” priestess, or dancer, or artist should do and if I was a “good” priestess/dancer/whatevs then I would do it and ENJOY it. And then when, surprise surprise, after a week I start skipping it, when I am halfway through my prayers or Yoga or whatevs and I just desperately bored or sad, I get really angry at myself for failing at it.
And unlike a sane person, who would go, “Hold up! Well, obviously this isn’t working. Let’s change it so it works and is better.” I go, “Why am I so bad at this? There must be something wrong with me because if I was good enough I’d be enjoying it. I’m just going to keep trying to force myself to do this till I do it.”
Sigh.
Not smart!
So I went on a midnight walk. I thought and prayed and sat under trees and tested out my new raincoat and talked with the divine.
I think it’s time to leave the Avalonian stuff behind for a bit. Just for a bit. I still love Avalon, but I think I need a little space from it so I can go away, figure out my Stuff and come back cleansed and renewed and hella excited.
I need to start listening to myself and start following what I want to do and what actually feels good and connects me to priestessyness, rather than running on what I think I should be doing. I spent the whole winter learning awesome listening-to-your-truth lessons then promptly ignored them all!
Which means it’s time to get back into my mermaid stuff, because my truth is Mermaids. That’s what makes me feel free and alive and inspired and badass. I like feeling like that. Something about mermaids makes me feel connected to the divine, makes me feel empowered and able to let the crappy stuff slide and create some happy stuff instead. Mermaid spirituality shows me the joy and magic in life. So I’m gonna stick with that for a while.
I also think it’s time to start hanging out with the Divine Masculine too. The God has really been coming though for me recently. He comes through in a wise blogpost I read written by a chap. He comes through in my partner, who is strong and kind and protective and loving. He comes through in my meditations as a big brother, or as a sexy lover, or a friend who is always ready to look for the laughter.
I was applying to be a member of the Sisterhood of Avalon, and a part of their creed says that they only worship Female deity and within the tradition that’s what you are gonna do and to join you have to be cool with that. And I realised, no I’m not cool with that: I need some of the Divine Dude in my life right now.
So that is where I am at right now. Sexy dudes and mermaids please.