How to actually achieve inner peace without losing what makes you, you.
I performed Odissi at a spiritual event in my town the other week, (here’s a picture of me with my awesome teacher Tamara!) and it really got me thinking about what world peace is.
How, if everything is ‘As Above So Below’, we can’t have a WORLD peace if we have a world full of humans swimming in inner turmoil and conflict. It just can’t happen – for world peace to be a thing, everyone needs inner peace first.
But…
I think inner peace is kind of a useless word. It seems like a lofty enlightenment goal that’s useful for monks but a bit too impractical and time consuming for the rest of us who have to pay bills and show up for work.
However, if peace means an absence of conflict, then inner peace simply means a mind that is not at war with itself. A mind that it not in conflict.
The thing about the mind is that it likes to hold two contrary views at the same time, a lot. One part of us wants one thing (let’s get up early and go for a run!) and the other part of us wants something else (let’s stay in bed where it’s warm and cosy!)…
…and this creates conflict, resistance and places in our mind and field where energy gets all knotted up in itself. We spend our energy in conflict with ourselves (let’s go for a run! I don’t want to! Why am I not getting out of bed? It’s so cozy! I’m so annoyed I didn’t go for a run!)
This is called a divided will, and when our mind is in conflict with itself, we can’t have inner peace.
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Our example above shows when we want two opposite things: we want to go for a run and also stay in bed, or practice our guitar but also get lots of work done.
Sometimes we have background beliefs and programming that are creating this conflict.
My white whale is unworthiness. I have this belief and pattern that comes up with a sinking feeling nearly every time I go after anything I want or desire and it’s very frustrating.
Unworthiness creates a peace-less mind because every time we reach for or desire something, the unworthiness creates conflict and abuse in our mind. It creates doubt, resistance and conflict – two pieces of ourselves fighting one another, one saying “Yes! I want this!” And the other going “No you aren’t worth it!”.
What would a peaceful mind look like?
It’s not an empty mind absent of thought or any feeling other than white-light-smugness.
It’s also not a mind that’s ascended out of the mucky human reality of emotion and physical reality, and is trying to be somewhere else.
It’s simply a mind that is 100% on board with whatever it is you are up to.
There is no conflict doubting yourself, or bringing yourself down, or shitting on yourself, your actions or your goals.
If you want to paint an artwork, there is no resistance or conflict coming from inside of you. There might be outside obstacles, like finding time, or practical ones like remembering where you put your good brushes, but you are not kicking yourself for not doing it last weekend when you had time, or blaming yourself for not knowing where you left your brushes, or telling yourself you will deserve to paint when you have got this or that done first.
That’s ACTUAL inner peace. You want to do a painting, and your whole inner world is supportive and on your team.
You want to talk to that super hot person you fancy at a party, and your inner world is supportive. You can still be nervous – that’s not conflict! That’s being human! – but your inner world is on your team.
You want to set a boundary at work, and your inner world is on your side – no guilt, no unworthiness, no shame. You can still feel nervous! And you can still feel a little shaky. Inner peace isn’t suddenly being the most superhumanly confident and perfect version of yourself – it’s just you on your own team, even though you feel scared, even though you feel nervous, even if you feel the frustration and disappointment of others.
Or… you feel that persistent inner voice of unworthiness popping up, and instead of shaming it or resisting it or turning away, you see it and love it and hold it, dissolving the conflict that way.
So that’s what inner peace is.
Choosing and creating peace between the inner parts of yourself.
I have brief moments of it. I bet you do too!
I still have a LOT of moments without it. I’m still weeding out the undercurrent feelings and beliefs from years of depression, and honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be done with that. I’m doing the practice of reforming my knee-jerk reaction to recoil from the shadow (or drown in it) and love it instead.
I think that’s the journey a lot of us are on.
That’s ok though.
Spiritual work is about the journey, not the destination. The success is always in remembering to return whenever you drift away – and I don’t think you ever stop drifting away, you just get quicker at remembering to come back.
We are human after all.
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Thank you for writing this. You are an inspiration. And your honesty is a breath of fresh air.